isnipehard

I feel like this was our first Christmas. Really, honestly. And it was wonderful. Because last Christmas he was tongue-tied, and couldn't figure out which name to blurt out. And this year, it was only me. No computer girls, no real girls, no other girls. Just me. Just me and him and Christmas and a little iron tree and presents and every time he said Merry Christmas my throat closed up and my blood stopped moving; and that never happened last Christmas, either. It truly was special. 
It makes me realize how absolutely forgettable last Christmas was. So absolutely wrong, on so many levels. 
I feel like he's opened me up to an entirely new dynamic to Christmas. It's a feeling I've never really experienced before, and it's impossible to explain. 
I didn't get very much this year, but everything I did get was wonderful. 
My family has recognized my affinity for scarves. I think it's an addiction that's been growing slowly since my first red one, when I bleached my hair several winters ago. And now I never leave the house without one. 
And going to Christmas Eve, I realized that my stomach is actually smaller than the majority of my cousins, save the half-Mexican stick figure models that I could never look like anyway. That was a real eye-opener. For the last two days, I've looked in the mirror and been perfectly fine with what I see. It certainly helps that he's not afraid to look at me and touch me and talk to me like I'm the sexiest person he's ever met on even the most family-friendly of holidays...
It was a good day, Christmas. I cant wait for it to come again. But first, he and I get to celebrate my birthday together, on Wednesday. Oh, that day will be wonderful, too. 
When I think of him absentmindedly, I bite my lip unconsciously. And smile. And feel instantly beautiful. And feel like I could move mountains. 

This is what he does to me. I'm silly. He's right; we do give everyone around us a tooth-ache <3. 

 Today is just going to be one of those days. The boyfriend is away shopping for birthday presents and playing in tournaments, while I lay in bed watching Up for the second time since I got it as an early gift <3. Drifting in and out of consciousness, wishing my house had something to eat. Just waiting until I have to get out of bed and go to work. I'll clean my room, I'll walk the dog, I'll take a nap, even. 
It's like America...
BUT SOUTH!
He says that's so me <3.
I can almost get through the beginning of the movie without crying. 

Good morning Livejournal! And Merry Christmas. 

I am probably the only girl in the world who rolled over at six in the morning, had no presents to open, but still was so excited about Christmas that she decided to get up anyway, and will probably walk her dog.
WITH the brand new 8gig MP3 player that her boyfriend donated to her crappy little cause :D. (Not a Christmas present, even!)
Tell me; what's the best thing you got for Christmas? Your favorite. And who gave it to you? I'd like to know <3. 

It's still dark out!

 Mother made me a lunch for my eight hour shift tomorrow. Came home and found the note, and cried. I just wanna go back to fourth grade. No boys and no crushes. Just mom and homemade lunches and a tight-knit group of friends.
I'm tired of boys. I'm sick of them.   

 You know what irritates me? The word "psyched." Moreso than it should, I'm sure. And I have to cringe every single time Sarah Tang says "I'm psyched..." which is a lot. A really lot. But I keep my mouth shut. Because good friends do that and stuff. But it just makes me want to remove her brain when she does it. She's so intelligent, and they've got her on a fad, at NAU. She's this incredible person, who used to think for herself and refuse to conform to the popular things etc. And now she's saying words like "psyched" in regular conversation, over and over, because a boy likes the word.  She used to use "passionate." A beautiful word, that means the exact same thing. And they've reduced her to "psyched." Sarah Tang gets dreads for fun, for personal experience. I think, possibly, that if it had been a different college not located in Flagstaff, the experience chosen would have been different than dreads (blank slate, yadayada), but the fact is that the Sarah Tang that I know would absolutely, totally do that. Something that is usually a lifestyle choice, a statement; she did it because she thought it would be fun. But the Sarah Tang that I know does not say "psyched" because some boy finds it one of the most important words in his vocabulary.

Anyway, spending the night alone for the first Saturday in six, maybe seven months. It's still not too late to go hang out with the old Chick Fil A gang, and perhaps I'll set that up next week or something, but as it stands I'm already under the covers and comfortable. Just not looking forward to my mother's reaction in the morning. She'll think we broke up. Worse, she'll think because my door is locked, that I was so upset I OD'd on sleeping pills when we broke up. But, whatever. I locked my door so to avoid her for as long as possible. 

Boys are dumb. 

 Well, it's that time of year, ladies and gents. To actually make some New Years Resolutions (blah blah blah). So, to start and finish, I had to create a list of 40 things to do before I turn forty my junior year, in AP English Language. Now, I have some of the old ideas, and I'm working on creating new ones. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Anyway, number one on my list, something I came up with then, is to become Vegetarian for a month. I'll be doing this in January :D. Oh. And I do not need to complete these in order.

1.) Be vegetarian for a month.
2.) Be homeless for a week.
3.) Get married.
4.) Become a mother. 
5.) Maintain a Windowsill Garden.
6.) Live by myself. 
7.) Ride a motorcycle.
8.) Start and finish 4 (Literature) novels in one week (seven days). (As in read, not write them.)
9.) Reach a weight/ size I am happy with (working on it :D)
10.) Write a book (even if it's a crappy one, or a children's book). 
11.) Crochet a full-sized blanket for myself or someone I love. 
12.) Go to New York during New Year, to watch the ball drop <3. 
13.) Do a cartwheel in a skirt and heels.
14.) Graduate/ Complete college.
---
15.) Get a Moulin Rouge poster for my room, maybe an Enchanted one as well. 
16.) Bake something incredibly delicious (probably of the cheesecake variety) successfully. 
17.) Go to a Paramore concert.
18.) Get an (itsy bitsy teenie weenie) yellow polka dot bikini <3
19.) Find Ciara and give her a hug!
20.) Go Clubbing.

Well, that's one through twenty. The first fourteen were from my original list, which I've forgotten the majority of :/. And the next six are recent developments. 
So. Any input?
I need twenty more ideas! 

I had a nightmare last night.
He kept lying to me about something; who he'd been talking to, what they'd been doing. Something small. And I kept begging for him just to tell me the truth, and he only kept repeating that everyone lies, everyone lies. So I stopped it all right there and told him we were done, which stopped him right in his tracks. He told me he forbid it, etc. etc. Turns out he'd been cheating on me with Mary. Walking up to see her somewhere and having sex. The usual nightmare on my end, I suppose.
I woke up. It was one in the morning, I thought about texting him, I didn't.
And when I went back to sleep, I dreamt of wonderful things. Of a sleepover, and waking up in the middle of the night, talking the night away. Talking about science and school and Christmas. It was wonderful.

Lately he'll cross my mind, the last few days, and I won't even realize it until suddenly butterflies have erupted everywhere inside of me, and I realize I'd been thinking silly thoughts about him. It happens at work, it happens right next to him. Lately, when his hand brushes my thigh, I shiver. This is a much needed and much welcomed relapse.

Off to work now, I suppose.

I've sort of been neglecting my friends' list; not commenting etc. I feel guilty. Sorry. I'm reading, at least..

I've noticed that it is in the peak of stress that I suddenly become mortified with my appearance. I look down at my wrists and they're suddenly massive and chubby. I feel the fat hanging off of my neck and instantly see in my mind's eye a second, third, and fourth chin. I think it's odd, that a stressful situation causes me to feel this way, which in the end, causes me more stress, because I begin to fret over what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, and suddenly I'm in this tremendous downward spiral to a complete bottom of unhappiness.
Well, at least I have pinpointed the starting point, yes?
Now, if only my wrists would get smaller.

(HA)